Day 184 - Regrets

Tuesday, September 11th, 2012

(On Farrah's doorstep wearing a doctor's mask as a joke as I came prepared to play nurse but didn't want to get ill.)

Day 184 - "Too Insistent" The Do (FHRHT Remix)

Throughout life there are many forks in the road with a variety of paths that we can choose to wander down. We ultimately have no idea whether we have made the right choice or not until we've made a decision and witness the end results. One of my all time favourite quotes would have to be "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do." This was quoted by Rory Cochrane while playing the character Lucas in the classic movie Empire Records. I always keep that quote in mind to encourage me to be trying new things and it truly works! Sky diving has always been and still is a regret of something that I have not done, but in due time I will get my butt up in that airplane.

I've never read that quote while concentrating on the "but those I did not do" portion. I have always read it thinking about things that I need to do in life but not thinking about the things that I did not do (have not done). I am a very optimistic person and rarely dwell on the negative. Regretting something that you did not do in life is without a doubt one of the most difficult thoughts to live with in life. How do people accept that they cannot change the past when an event has such a major impact on their lives?

The most tragic event of life is...death and death is accompanied by the five stages of loss.

1) Denial and Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I had been told of these stages but never read the stages in detail. As I browsed the internet to read about these five stages I came across this website Psych Central. It broke down the five stages of loss. I have accepted...that I am stuck on 3) Bargaining. I am terrified that I will be caught on this stage for a very extended period of time when it comes to Farrah. The break down of my stage is:

3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control-

- If only we had sought medical attention sooner...
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor...
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them...

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable.
This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Normally Farrah crosses my mind once a day and accompanying this image of her bright face is the thought "Why didn't I encourage her to see a doctor sooner that day, why didn't I just drag her to the walk in clinic, why didn't I realize or understand the importance of her missing spleen...why, why, why??". I will be honest with the fact that I cannot forgive myself for not acting sooner and this is the most difficult part of my every day life.

"I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do."

I will love you always and deeply Farrah.

(Kicking it in Pano, 2011)

xox